Couldn't sleep

So. This is new. With me trying to get up every morning at 6:30AM (and hopelesly failing at a rate of 50%) I woke up this morning at 4:15. Morning? Middle of the night I guess.
I woke up out of a weird dream which had something to do with me gathering funds from anywhere to pay of my loans.

After whooling around in my bed for almost an hour I just couldn't stand it anymore and got out of bed. Strangely enough my body feels quite awake. Maybe it's a new rhythm setting in; maybe it's the stress and worry about getting debt free. And I'm fairly sure its the latter since I don't feel calm at all lately.

First big downpayment! (And it hurts...)

So. This week, my tax reduction came in. And, as I promised myself, I would use this and a partion of my vacation fee, to make an extra downpayment next month. But, since I already have the money to do so, I made the transaction today. In the end, this will save me a little more interest and every bit helps! 

This was the first time I got a litte "extra cash" which I immediately transferred into the bottomless pithole called "debt" and I must say, it feels strange. Yes, I do feel the joy of reducing my debt by a total of 2K this month. But on the other hand, it also feels uncomfortable because normally this kind of extra cash would give me a little more breathing space in my savings account and could make me do some fun things.

Fun things. That's interesting because when I think of it, last years where years where I didn't go on a long summer holiday or bought a new car (or something like that). So what DID I do with my money back then?

Damn those loans

As you could all see in my monthly expenses, I also have a student loan. I didn't pay that much attention to it since it's a fraction of my long term loan and interest is fairly low.

Yet, it still is a form of debt and I really would love to get rid of that one, too by the end of next year.

Luckily for me, there is a possibility to do so! This week, we heard there was going to be a raise. It's a fair 3% and that would leave me with enough breathing space to create an 'emergency fund' and double up my student loan down-payments.

Here are some figures...

Here's my plan!

Ok. So after moving, I supposed to save some 3K extra annually. That would mean I could more than double up my downpayments on my long term loan... take a look at my new figures...

Debt-O-Meter

Ok. This is where I am right now. With my current downpayment rate, I still have 84 months to go. 84 months! For me being 33 years of age, that feels like a 'lifetime-in-jail-card' for my game right now.

Here's how this looks in figures...

Fears and cravings (1)

Okay, there is no (2) yet, but I'm very sure this is an ongoing theme in my life at the moment. One of the aspects of spiritual growth is that you are being confronted with your fears and cravings to only discover that you've created a hell of a complicated way around them to not feel pain and to hold on to happy feelings. Happy happy, joy joy...

Anyway. The more I realize my fears and cravings, the more confused I get. I thought this was all about self exploration and heading towards all-time happiness? Well ok, I'm not that naive, but I do feel I'm at some sort of intersection in my life. I feel like I have a choice. The choice of choosing for safety, adapting to my old habits and my surroundings and be a chameleon for the rest of my life, or the choice of going for myself. The long trail of personal and spiritual development, fast forward killing my debts and being an independent man. Wow. To just say that sounds heavily and scary responsible. But I'm done with being done with it and I can only blame myself if I don't use this somewhat harsh time for personal growth.

Done with it.

I’ve closely monitored my emotional, physical, working and financial situation and I’m done with it. And to be honest, I’m also done with being done with it. It lacks productivity, motivation and gets me nowhere. So no more complaining and time for change. I’ve come to realize that I lack goals in my life at this moment and the lack of a goal makes me be lazy, unproductive, feeling down and wanting to sleep all day. Heading towards a bored-out you could say, with some serious aspects in my life that need attention. No more hiding my head in the sand, but time to pick myself up, dust myself of and give myself the highly demanded ‘kick-under-the-butt’ forward.