Time flies. Another year has passed. Me and my SO have written reflections on the past year and on what we would like to improve on in this new year. It was less head, more feeling than my previous edition and I'm happy with that.
So... did I take the damn job or not?
Well... He didn't. Fun facts:
- After a subtle hint from my lovely SO I spoke with my current IT manager about being asked for a different role. I told her I'm a bit indecisive because I'm not really feeling I'm done with IT but I do need a different challenge other than programming. She was really open on this and told me that it's up to me what I want. She's also pretty good in pinpointing people because she immediately told me that whatever I'm looking for probably isn't to be found anywhere, I'm just more of a "do different things" type of person. And that's true.
- The next day I had an appointment with the teamlead for the other role and I told him I wasn't in for it, anymore. He was fine, he already had a feeling since I didn't jump onto the bandwagon immediately.
- I felt hit in the head right after that, which I totally didn't expect.
We chatted a bit in which he told me they had some ideas on getting me up to speed in that role. In hindsight, I'm a scary dude who makes things way too big in his head and hanging myself up on these things. Hearing that there's a line of support, just as hearing my current manager is open to change, really struck with me. I'm killing myself here everytime and again. I get bored, want out of it and look in all kinds of places for some ideal next step but I never open up on these things with the people around me. Also, I'm scared shitless to take on new challenges if I'm not sure about them.
This had a bit of a snowball effect on me. I dug a bit deeper and what's happening here is that all my professional roles I felt more or less comfortable in where roles in which I had some sort of a mentor like figure that, for me, felt safe.
In the roles where such a person wasn't around, I felt terrible and anxious. Which leads to my current issue to work on; anxiety. This was figured out years ago while having a bore-out, but it wasn't properly addressed I guess. I went my way, in the end went into IT but now this mindset is really devastating because I'm making terrible choices in life (or don't make them, which is causing a lot of stress). What doesn't help at all: I'm pretty black&white/all or nothing when it comes to, well, anything in life basically. So in general, this year I really want to start working on this, probably starting with the life coach I'm already seeing.
Keywords:
- Work on honesty. Be honest about how I feel and figure out what I really want to do with my time, without making that some sort of life changing (and thus hard to address) type of goal.
- Work on figuring out how to start things on my own. I've discovered I'm really good in taking steps once I know where to go, but creating ideas on my own is something I really suck at. That's why I need some kind of example, a mentor, guidance, whatever. I'm in need of being my own guide in life. For sure that will also make being in a relationship with me a lot more fun because I'm not the one taking initiatives in fun things (as in, I'm not even sure anymore what I think is fun, lol).
- Meditate daily, preferably twice a day.
- Work out. Still have been doing so since three months, keep going. Physically I feel a lot better, I want to stay on track here because I major underestimated the health benefits of working out.
And let's see if I can manage to keep this blog rolling...
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