The weight on my shoulder of my debts was super-heavy once I confronted myself with my net worth. I went straight on a mother-of-all downpayment plan which could make me debt-free somewhere around 2017. Ok, that's fine, ain't it? Well, to be completely honest, it feels as if the weight on my shoulders shifted from the debt itself to the munk-like lifestyle I would have to substain in order to stick with my plan.
I also gained more spiritual weight. With the course I'm following at the centre for Zijnsoriëntatie (sorry, only in Dutch) I am slowly beginning to recognise myself again and starting to feel comfortable in who I am now, without constantly wanting better things to come and without wanting to undo decisions made in the past. At a steady pace I'm beginning to hear and feel my own internal compass again and crawling out of this depressing sinkhole I was hiding myself in the last couple of years. I find it interesting yet also very scary that I slowly went down a spiral you hardly notice until I was sitting in my own universe waiting for things to change. That is never ever going to happen yet it scares me how easily one gets there without recognising it happening.
My health also gains weight. I am eating lots and lots of fruit, vegetables, nuts, eggs and so on. I am not a vegeterian but am having more and more serious issues with animals being held in the worst imagenable conditions and then being killed, just so humans can eat them. I really can't understand why so many people simply won't take the slightest moment to think of the effects of their consumering behaviour. But I guess that's where it went wrong in the first place...
Personally, I am more and more irritated that I am eating and using so many non-natural products. For my own natural body! Come on, do we really need all the additives in our food? Do we really need forms of sulfites, acetates, benzoides and glycol-like substances in, for example, showering soap and shampoo? Have you ever thought of what it really is you are rubbing in your hair?
I don't want this blog to be some kind of pro-biological crusade, but for some reason it got me thinking and the more I check my surroundings, the more I am surprised that nothing is 'real' anymore. So many products are 'improved' with stuff you could also de-ice a windshield or run a car on... now how can that be in any way be good for you and your health?
Then, I still feel stressed often from nothing. Guess it has to do with accepting I have to live my life instead of hoping I can go back into the past and save things there and with me getting way to close to a depression/burn-out somewhere last year.
Given it some thought, I thing I need to take good care of myself at this moment in time. I want to eat healthy and want to have the feeling that I can take some time off and relax if I want to and even buy a new car if this one falls apart someday. I can't do that with my current net worth and I can't go on with this agressive downpayment plan without me being in a good shape. It's like running a marathon on a diet because you had to stop buying food to buy running shoes which where te cheapest you could find because there was not a lot of money to begin with. I know I sacrifised a part of my savings acount and said i felt comfortable with it being an absolute minimum of 2K. Yet now, I am really feeling the pressure of having not a penny left to even scratch my butthole...
I am still wide aware of the fact I said most people fall for the money trap: more money buys more happiness. Yet, I am not planning on buying any happiness. I am actually planning on buying nothing but having enough recourses ready if I really need them.
It's not like I need a huge saving account to feel a little more comfortable, I think anywhere between 5K and 10K is a nice backup plan which will keep me comfortable. I also know this is in the range of 33-66% of my total debt and has to be really worth it. I feel it does, and I am starting to listen to what I'm feeling more and more. I really want to quick-up my personal savings account up to somewhere back into the comfort zone. This is initially a back-up fund but also a fund I am willing to sacrifise for a little more room for free time. I haven't had any vacation longer than a week for over three years now and I really need to take good care of myself. This means I am willing to invest in myself in that way, too. Just having the ability to do so will help me feel more comfortable with everyday life (i think).
So, the moment you all have been waiting for...A t this moment in time, the numbers are like this...
Facts for day 70-something of a plan upto 2030...
Personal net worth today... NEGATIVE € -14.341,16
Consisting of...
- Personal debt due to separation in 2013 € -15.549,33
- Student loan € -1.791,83
- Personal savings account € 3.000,00
Of course I'm not completely giving up on paying of extra loans, I will use any extra money left over to do so. In the end, I might even get crazy and pay off everything with my saving account anyway but for now, this is how I think I should do it...
Adios!
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