It took me over ten years, lots of self-help books and personal training and finally a burn-out to come to this very simple conclusion: I am my biggest problem in life. Even though this is a very simple conclusion, the solution is far from simple. The decision to step out of this lies somewhere deep covered underneath my default settings.
It is so damned easy to say 'my job sucks' and complain. By doing so, I avoided responsibility for over a decade in all my jobs. Work was simply ment to suck and therefore it was out of my control. WRONG. Sure enough, parts of it will always be out of control and no matter how much you love your job, there will always be tasks you hate and still have to do. This simply is the case throughout life. I love my place, but still have to clean it (which I hate) or pay someone to clean it (which I hate also). But I still love my place.
What happened lately? Well, I went straight into a burn out. Lights went off and I went into panic attacks over getting out of bed, what groceries to buy and what clothes to wear. Seriously. And even in that state I still didn't want to admit something was seriously wrong. I wrote a lot of wise words about all kind of things. I participated in mindfulness and confronting trainings to understand myself and my behaviour in the world better. Yet the break through never really came until now. The freakin' problem is I know things damn well and understand almost everything, yet my default setting is to not DO anything about it. It is so freakin' simple, yet it is so damned confronting to get stuck and realise I am my biggest problem in life. Not work, not my parents, not my family, not my significant other, not (name anything here). Nope. It's ME. And it always HAS been me. I used to say "I'm fine". A really nice way of not having to deal with the truth. But I couldn't anymore. So I caved in, got sick and told everyone I'm completely stuck, unhappy and depressed. And that I am going to get out and find my own way. The fun part? I worried my parents wouldn't understand. Yet they told me "son, you've got to make sure YOU are happy, it doesn't matter what you do in life". And I always worried they'd judge me...
So NOW what? Well, that's really not the question right now. I can't get my mind around that at this moment. It's back to basics right now and the upcoming months are going to be tough. I need to start re-evaluating my values and my default settings and lift my life energy up to a new level. No more excuses. I also need to keep myself motivated and gain more trust in this proces. Repeat to myself: "I'm doing good things here". Be my own best friend and be responsible for my own faith.
This is easy sometimes and harder other times. Foremost, this takes a lot of discipline and you guessed it, that's the hard part for me. But somewhere deep inside I can feel a little flame burning, ready to grow stronger. I better use this life lesson wisely. I can keep complaining and stay put forever, or start with one step a day to feel better. Improve my life by 1% a day and let compounding effects work their magic in time.
How will you improve your life with 1% today?
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